S2009 E105 • Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

The MacBook Wheel lets consumers accomplish everyday tasks like typing with just a few dozen spins and clicks of a wheel.

S2009 E106 • Man Who Crossed Nation In Balloon Only Wants To Talk About Horse Abuse

Today Now! welcomes adventurer and balloonist Trent Montaug, who is determined to steer the conversation to the horrors of horse abuse.

S2009 E112 • Survivors Of Gas Station Explosion Mourn Tragic Loss Of Gasoline

Community members who didn't burn to death are struggling to accept the devastating loss of so much premium fuel.

S2009 E113 • Congress Debates Adding Elaborate Dance To Obama's Inauguration Ceremony

Rep. Cummings (D-VA) wants to mark Obamas historic inauguration with an intricately choreographed dance piece of his own creation.

S2009 E119 • Bratz Dolls May Give Young Girls Unrealistic Expectations Of Head Size

In Beyond The Facts, we examine how Bratz are convincing a generation of girls that to be hip and beautiful they have to have gigantic heads.

S2009 E120 • Police Say School Shooter Had Troubled Past, History Of School Shootings

Teachers may have overlooked a number of red flags, including Bobby Knowles' turbulent home life, violent writing, and previous school shootings.

S2009 E126 • Kim Jong Il Announces Plan To Bring Moon To North Korea

From Onion News Network International: North Korea's space program will capture the moon and bring it home, a feat no Western nation could accomplish.

S2009 E127 • How To Wax Your Floors Without Slipping And Severing Your Spine

Author Jerry Bloom visits Today Now to explain how you can make your kitchen floor shine without falling and paralyzing yourself for life.

S2009 E202 • Tom Coughlin Retires From Family To Spend More Time With Team

The Giants Coach said he valued the years he spent with his family, but wants to focus on more important things now.

S2009 E204 • In The Know: Are Reality Shows Setting Unrealistic Standards For Skanks?

Our panelists debate whether TV programs like A Double Shot At Love and The Bad Girls Club depict unattainable levels of skankiness.

S2009 E209 • Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work

Our Tech Trends reporter looks at the new gizmo Sony promises will revolutionize the way consumers become infuriated by goddamn blinking TV box things.

S2009 E211 • FDA Approves Depressant Drug For The Annoyingly Cheerful

Made by Pfizer, Despondex is the first drug designed to treat the symptoms of excessive perkiness.

S2009 E216 • East Timor's First Female Dictator Hailed As Step Forward For Women

Amivi Gama's violent rise to power has proved that women are just as capable as men when it comes to brutality and oppression.

S2009 E218 • Courageous Man Refuses To Believe He Has Cancer

On Today Now, Peter Hedgemont shares the inspirational tale of how he has refused to let a cancer diagnosis convince him he has cancer.

S2009 E223 • Spam Crackdown Threatens Koy4Goff's Penis Enlarger, Free iPod Industry

The U.S. is considering sanctions against the Eastern European nation if it does not reduce the number of unsolicited offers for Viagra and replica handbags it sends.

S2009 E225 • Are Violent Video Games Adequately Preparing Children For The Apocalypse?

Panelists debate whether games like Fallout 3 and Gears Of War 2 are teaching children skills they'll really need in the End Times.

S2009 E226 • Jennifer Love Hewitt Pays Magazine 2.2 Million To Run Photos Of Her Baby

Celebrity watchers attribute the exorbitant price to the incredibly low demand for any news about Jennifer Love Hewitt.

S2009 E227 • Congressman Offers Preemptive Apology For Extramarital Affair

Rep. Gregory White (D-NH) tearfully asks forgiveness for the degrading and sinful acts he is about to engage in.

S2009 E228 • NCAA Expands March Madness To Include 4,096 Teams

Online universities and bible colleges will be among the thousands of teams vying to prove they are the best in the nation.

S2009 E229 • Experts Agree Giant, Razor-Clawed Bioengineered Crabs Pose No Threat

Panelists dismiss the notion that something could go wrong with the 75-foot-tall crabs that shoot acid from their mouths.

S2009 E230 • Manufacturer Recalls Hollow Point Bullets That Fail To Explode Inside Targets

Steel Hawk Inc. is offering a full refund to customers who bought thenon-flesh-shredding bullets.

S2009 E231 • Paleontologists Discover Skeleton Of Natures First Sexual Predator

Paleontologists believe the intact skeleton could shed light on the bizarre fetishes of this pervert dinosaur.

S2009 E232 • Prague's Franz Kafka International Named World's Most Alienating Airport

Business Week ranked the airport last in customer satisfaction due to long delays, bureaucratic employees, and overall oppressive atmosphere.

S2009 E233 • Congressmans War Hero Son Would Have Wanted Highway Bill Passed

Rep. David Whittle (D-VA) speaks passionately about how his son, who died in Iraq, would have loved to see this appropriations bill passed.

S2009 E234 • DNA Evidence Frees Black Man Convicted Of Bear Attack

Georgia police were so confident Marshall was the man who killed young Janet Kelly in a state bear preserve, they didn't investigate other suspects.

S2009 E235 • Morning Show Host Starts Charity To Rid World Of Flying Debris

After her best friend was killed by flying debris, Today Now host Tracy Gill dedicated her life to protecting other people from wind-borne rubble.

S2009 E236 • Hot New Video Game Consists Solely Of Shooting People Point-Blank In The Face

Experts say Close Range sets a new standard for first-person shooter games with its vivid graphics and endless stream of exploding faces.

S2009 E237 • Study: Children Exposed To Pornography May Expect Sex To Be Enjoyable

Panelists discuss how pornography warps children's minds, leading them to believe sex is actually fun rather than shameful and embarrassing.

S2009 E238 • Prison Economy Spirals As Price Of Pack Of Cigarettes Surpasses Two Hand Jobs

From the Onion Prison Channel: Prison analysts warn rising inflation could devalue everything from rim jobs to shivs.

S2009 E239 • Treasury Department Issues Emergency Recall Of All US Dollars

Treasury Officials say the dye used in printed money is extremely toxic and urge Americans to send all their cash to Washington immediately.

S2009 E240 • More American Workers Outsourcing Own Jobs Overseas

A new Department of Labor report finds personal outsourcing is revolutionizing how Americans don't do their own work.

S2009 E241 • Should We Be Doing More To Reduce The Graphic Violence In Our Dreams?

In The Know panelists discuss whether seeing images of dead babies and bludgeoned prostitutes in our sleep is desensitizing Americans to violence.

S2009 E242 • Autoworkers Compete to Keep Jobs, Livelihoods on New Reality Show

On Auto Warriors two Ford plants will battle it out, building to the LIVE season finale event: one plant will close, 3,000 will get the axe!

S2009 E243 • Ambassador Stages Coup At UN, Issues Long List of Non-Binding Resolutions

Uganda's Ambassador is threatening to abolish the Committee on Conferences and author the draft calendar of conferences and meetings himself.

S2009 E244 • Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As 'Fun, Watchable'

Long time fans of the Star Trek franchise say JJ Abrams' enjoyable, engaging prequel betrays what Star Trek is all about.

S2009 E245 • Special Boy With Freakishly Large Brain Wins Spelling Bee

On Today Now!, Jim and Tracy meet James Kimura, a 12-year-old afflicted with the ability to spell long words normal kids don't even care about.

S2009 E246 • Pentagon Reports Army Mascot 'Liberty' Killed in Iraq

Appointed by Bush in 2003 to distract from the horrors of war, Liberty's antics turned fatal yesterday when he cart-wheeled into a roadside bomb.

S2009 E247 • Congressman's Son Won't Shut The Hell Up During Hearing

Congressman Eisley conducts hearing on Market Data Protection Reform, restrains self from murdering five year old son.

S2009 E248 • Police Slog Through 40,000 Insipid Party Pics To Find Cause Of Dorm Fire

The fire was ruled an accident after a tedious review of thousands of digital photos documenting every second of the five hour party.

S2009 E249 • NHL Tries To Woo Fans By Increasing Scoring With Bigger Nets, 3-Point Line

Hockey officials hope to attract fans and create a higher-scoring, fast-paced game with a new aerodynamic puck and artificial turf instead of ice.

S2009 E250 • Nation's Girlfriends Unveil New Economic Plan: 'Let's Move In Together'

Girlfriends' spokesperson Kelly Ambrose joins us in the Financial Fallout Shelter to discuss why Boyfriends moving in with them just makes fiscal sense right now.

S2009 E251 • Political Talk Show Host Suddenly Very Interested In Manslaughter Law Loopholes

Host becomes curiously pushy, sweaty in this roundtable discussion about loopholes in manslaughter law in the US.

S2009 E252 • Conservatives Warn Quick Sex Change Only Barrier Between Gays, Marriage

Rep. Iscoe warns gays will give penises to lesbians who will give them vagina's so that homosexuals can marry and continue their attack on the American family.

S2009 E253 • New BabySafe Ball Makes Shaking Your Infant Guilt And Injury Free

Designed with the frustrated, sleep-deprived parent in mind, the BabySafe Ball can withstand shaking, stabbing, and claims you wish it'd never been born.

S2009 E254 • Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's

Obama will abandon complex policies on emissions, clean coal and refocus on achievable goals like applying deodorant daily, learning what to say when you burp.

S2009 E255 • Congressman Demands To Know Who Left Fish Sandwich To Rot On House Floor

Rep. McCullough cannot even fathom the amount of contempt you'd have to hold for Congress, the American people to do something so inconsiderate.

S2009 E256 • Gymnast Shawn Johnson Put To Sleep After Breaking Leg

After gym doctors confirmed the injuries were career-ending, Johnson's trainers said there was no reason to keep her alive.

S2009 E257 • US To Trade Gold Reserves For Cash Through Cash4Gold.com

Treasury officials say the gold has just been rattling around in the bottom of some vaults at the US Bullion Depository anyway, and the government...

S2009 E258 • Obama To Hold Job Performance Review With Every American Worker

The President says the purpose of the performance reviews is to have a little face time to make sure we're all on the same page going forward.

S2009 E259 • Taco Bell's New Green Menu Takes No Ingredients From Nature

Taco Bell boasts zero environmental impact with their new menu which will rely solely on synthetic, lab-produced ingredients.