S2010 E300 • VH1 Reality Show Bus Crashes In California Causing Major Slut Spill

Clean-up crews are hard at work after a VH1 bus carrying reality show contestants overturned, spilling 2,000 pounds of highly concentrated slut.

S2010 E301 • Congo Approves Economic Stimulus Package Of AK-47 For Every Citizen

Congo lawmakers are convinced the stimulus package will give Congolese the assault weapons they need to obtain clothes, food.

S2010 E302 • Biden Criticized For Appearing In Hennessy Ads

Citing White House Pressure, Hennessy pulled the Biden ads saying "Joe will always epitomize the smooth, original style of our world class cognac."

S2010 E303 • New Law Requires Women To Name Baby, Paint Nursery Before Getting Abortion

In The Know panelists say more states should make decorating a nursery and choosing a baby name required steps in obtaining access to an abortion.

S2010 E304 • Final Season Of 'Lost' Promises To Make Fans More Annoying Than Ever

Producers say the last season of 'Lost' will contain an unprecedented number of twists and turns for fans to endlessly debate around people who don't care at all.

S2010 E305 • Crime Reporter: Man Had Sex With Wife Thousands Of Times Before Killing Her

In this episode of 'Raw Justice,' a depraved sex fiend violated his wife's body almost weekly for ten years before finally murdering her.

S2010 E306 • Rep. Seeks Retroactive Immunity For Anyone Who Hit On First Lady Last Night

Rep. Bruce Durant proposes a bill protecting anyone who who may have had a little too much to drink at a White House event and called Michelle Obama a "beautiful queen."

S2010 E307 • Packers Fan Announces He Will Return To Drinking For Another Season

Chris Lukawski, a longtime devotee of the Packers and beer, is confident his battered liver and family can handle another NFL season of unrestrained alcohol consumption.

S2010 E308 • How To Put The Spark Back Into Your Relationship With Your Cat

Melissa Donley, author and cat relationship expert, visits Today NOW! with some tips for people in long term relationships with their cats.

S2010 E309 • Insidious Worm Makes Unauthorized Purchases When Computer User Is Drunk

Computer experts say individuals with upcoming bachelor parties or after work get-togethers are especially vulnerable to cyber attacks resulting in fraudulent late-night purchases.

S2010 E310 • NASA Scientists Plan To Approach Girl By 2018

The team of scientists says the $19 million dollar mission will put them in direct contact with a woman by 2018.

S2010 E311 • New Law Would Ban Marriages Between People Who Don't Love Each Other

The Minnesota law would nullify the marriages of an estimated 2.4 million couples currently living in silent resentment or seething hatred.

S2010 E312 • Report: Baby Skull Jewelry May Be Linked To Violence

Panelists debate the validity of a new report which claims many decorative baby skulls are obtained by unlawful, inhumane means.

S2010 E313 • Denmark Introduces Harrowing New Tourism Ads Directed By Lars Von Trier

Tourism officials hope the acclaimed Danish director's bleak vision of unsettling sexuality and brutal violence will attract more visitors to their country.

S2010 E314 • Filming Of Congressional Reality Show Disrupts Committee Meeting

Rep. Cummings (D-VA) vows to ignore the haters and rise above the drama during the filming of his new reality series.

S2010 E315 • Obama Caught Lip-Syncing Speech

After Obama slips up during an address on health care, White House officials are forced to admit the president occasionally uses a backing track for important speeches.

S2010 E316 • How Will The End Of Print Journalism Affect Old Loons Who Hoard Newspapers?

Panelists discuss how the decline of the newspaper industry will affect the loons and shut-ins who rely on newspapers for stacking around their ramshackle homes.

S2010 E317 • Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere

Excruciating up-to-the-minute coverage of some irrelevant bullshit story that has no ramifications whatsoever.

S2010 E318 • Boy’s Tragic Death Could Have Happened To Any Family With 20-Foot Pet Python

Rich and Lisa Shaw say there were no warning signs that their 300-pound Burmese Python would crush and eat their 3 year old son.

S2010 E319 • Kentucky Violated NCAA Rules While Recruiting Basketball-Playing Dog

The NCAA will investigate the Kentucky program for major recruiting violations including improper gifts of milk bones and rope tug toys.

S2010 E320 • Hot New Relationship Book Warns Women: 'Wake Up! He's A Shapeshifter'

Bestselling author Craig Wheedon stops by Today NOW! to urge ladies to face the truth and dump the shapeshifter.

S2010 E321 • Stouffers To Include Suicide Prevention Tips On Single Serve Microwavable Meals

Stouffers says the suicide prevention tips are available on all single serving microwavable dinners whether you enjoy veal parmigiana alone or beef stroganoff alone.

S2010 E322 • Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday

Tulane University researchers say Quigley is now able to experience the crippling fear of impending death previously only accessible to humans.

S2010 E323 • Red Sox Announce Plans To Return Fenway To Original 1912 Conditions

Nostalgic Sox fans will be delighted by the re-antiquated Fenway Park complete with splintered bleachers and obstructed views.

S2010 E324 • Man Attempts To Assassinate Obama, 'But Not Because He's Black Or Anything'

Suspect Alex Croft, who has a ton of black friends, planned to kill Obama because of his socialist agenda; not because of his skin color.

S2010 E325 • DEA Official Announces Successful Drug Bust On Son's Room

DEA Official Stephen Lovejoy says Matt Lovejoy was found in possession of 1/8th ounce of marijuana and a glass pipe in defiance of the law and his Mother.

S2010 E326 • Congress Announces Plan To Hide Nation's Porn From Future Generations

Congress hopes the Pornographic Media Concealment Act will ensure a lasting, respectable legacy for our nation, unmarred by the massive quantities of filthy porn we regularly consume.

S2010 E327 • In The Know: Should More Americans Get In On The EZ-Go Juicer Craze?

In The Know panelists debate how a high quality product like the EZ-Go Juicer could be available at such a low, low price.

S2010 E328 • 'Iron Man 2' Buzz Heats Up Over Rumors Gwyneth Paltrow Gets Punched In Face

Movie-goers are flocking to buy advance tickets for the sequel, hoping to be among the first to see the rumored scene in which Paltrow gets brutally punched in the face.

S2010 E329 • Jockey Liam Hollins The Favorite To Brutally Whip Horse To Kentucky Derby Win

Fresh from his Blue Grass Stakes win, Hollins moves onto the Kentucky Derby where he hopes to be the first to mercilessly beat a horse across the finish line.

S2010 E330 • Live Feed: Obama Attends The White House Maintenance Staff Annual Dinner

Live O-SPAN coverage of the 75th annual dinner with a special awards presentation to the crew who tirelessly buffed every inch of the White House State Floor this past winter.

S2010 E331 • 'The Cressbeckler Stance' -- Coming Soon To The Onion News Network

This spring on the Onion News Network '08 Presidential candidate and unabashed straight-shooter Joad Cressbeckler returns to tackle today's toughest issues. America's Goin' Joad.

S2010 E332 • Drew Barrymore's New Tell-All Coloring Book Hits Shelves

A Hollywood insider since childhood, Barrymore finally reveals all in her new 42-page autobiographical coloring book. 

S2010 E333 • Advocacy Group: Mothers Have Right To Expose Milk-Engorged Breasts In Public

Organizers say until there is absolute acceptance of breastfeeding, nursing moms must vigilantly expose their swollen, milk-sodden breasts everywhere from community cookouts to the local hardware store.

S2010 E334 • Semi-Literate Former Gold Prospector Given Own Cable News Show

The former third party presidential candidate returns to helm 'The Cressbeckler Stance' and sound off on flannel-mouthed liars from Washington to Wall Street.

S2010 E335 • New Google Phone Service Whispers Targeted Ads Directly Into Users' Ears

The new feature reduces Google phone users' cell phone costs while providing them with unobtrusive, personalized ads delivered in a friendly whisper.

S2010 E336 • Future News From The Year 2137 - Coming Summer 2010

S2010 E337 • Christian Groups: Biblical Armageddon Must Be Taught Alongside Global Warming

Constitutional debate continues over whether public schools should include biblical Armageddon alongside global warming in end-of-world curriculum.

S2010 E338 • Congressmen Submit Emergency 3 AM Bill Demanding IHOP Stay Open All Night

The bipartisan group of representatives who submitted the emergency bill late last night say they stand by it, though they don't completely remember all of the details.

S2010 E339 • Incredibly Sexy Firefighter Tragically Dies In Steamy Blaze

Jim and Tracy welcome fallen firefighter Logan Norelli's wife on Today NOW! for a special tribute to a true American hero and total smokin' hottie.

S2010 E340 • Boston Globe Tailors Print Edition For Three Remaining Subscribers

The paper says the new personalized articles target the interests of Massachusetts residents and final three Globe readers Michael Fisher, Camille Kresge, and Buddy.

S2010 E341 • Do Glass Pipes, Incense Prove Teens Are Practicing Shamanism?

A troubling national report finds an increasing number of parents have found strange pipes, herbs, and other implements of shamanic activity in their teenagers' bedrooms.

S2010 E342 • Soccer Officially Announces It Is Gay

Plagued for years by swirling rumors about its sexuality, soccer has finally come out, becoming the world's first openly gay sport.

S2010 E343 • Census Visits Providing Shut-Ins Once-A-Decade Chance For Human Interaction

On Today Now!, 87-year-old Beverly DeAngeles gives tips for trapping a census worker in your home for as long as possible.

S2010 E344 • USDA Recalls 96,000 Pounds Of Tainted Beef From One Family

Officials say a positive E. coli test prompted the recall, affecting the Wharton family's stores of ground beef, beef chuck, and rump roast.

S2010 E345 • Congress, 1924: Rep. Demands Horses Wear Dresses To Hide Foul Penises

In June 1924 Representative Oliver Shaker (D) condemned government inaction on the issue of publicly exposed horse penis and proposed a law which would federally equire horses to wear modesty dresses.

S2010 E346 • Al-Qaeda Calls Off Attack On Nation's Capitol To Spare Life Of 'Twilight' Author

ONN's Terrorism Expert Omar Al-Farouq explains how Al Qaeda's love for the beloved teen vampire series prevented the death of thousands.

S2010 E347 • Future: News From The Year 2137 Trailer

While other media outlets bring you news as it happens, only the Onion News Network has the power to bring you the news before it happens. With our state-of-the-art wormhole satellites, we can now transmit Onion News Network broadcasts from the year 2137.

S2010 E348 • Restoration Of 'Star Spangled Banner' Uncovers Horrifying New Verses

Susan Eckman from The National Archives comes on Today Now! to share newly discovered National Anthem verses about brutally decapitating enemies during the War of 1812.

S2010 E349 • New Apple Friend Bar Gives Customers Someone To Talk At About Mac Products

Tech Trends' Jeff Tate explains the new service that pairs insufferable Apple customers with "friends" that will listen to them rattle on for hours.