Stop being me

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Want it, so I got it, did it, so it's done. Another thing I ruined I used to do for fun. Another piece of plastic I could just throw away. Another conversation with nothing good to say. I thought it, so I said it, took it 'cause I can. Another day pretending I'm older than I am. Another perfect moment that doesn't feel like mine. Another thing I forced to be a sign.

Sometimes I feel like I don't wanna be where I am, getting drunk at a club with my fair-weather friends. Push away all the people who know me the best, but it's me who's been making the bed. I'm so tired of being the girl that I am. Every good thing has turned into something I dread, and I'm playing the victim so well in my head, but it's me who's been making the bed. Pull the sheets over my head, making the bed.

Every night, I wake up from this one recurring dream where I'm driving through the city and the brakes go out on me. I can't stop at the red light, I can't swerve off the road. I read somewhere it's 'cause my life feels so out of control. And I tell someone I love them just as a distraction. They tell me that they love me like I'm some tourist attraction. They're changing my machinery and I just let it happen. I got the things I wanted, it's just not what I imagined.

Countin' all of the beautiful things I regret, but it's me who's been making the bed.

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Oh mama, she broke my head. It's been four years and it does not end. Oh mama, I lost my mind, but you must've heard that a dozen times. On the way to my hotel, I found myself wishing I lived there. On the way to my own home, I still felt alone but I knew that you'd be there.

Oh mama, there's no one else. I loved her more than I love myself. Oh mama, I can not cry, make me go outside.

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This is the only thing I know how to do. Make the keys turn red and my lips turn blue. I'll break on the pavement, you could swim in these eyes 'cause I'm no good until I crack. She's there when I wake up at the end of my bed with a smile on her face and a gun to my head. And lately, I've been thinkin' what if I keep sinking? If I drown, will they make me a star? When you drown, do they know who you are?

I'm just a mirror, break my glass to fix your heart. Pretty glass, an empty heart. I don't exist without your gaze. I fade away.

I'm on the hunt for something warm, a pound of flesh. Is it in this city, is it in your bed? Crawl out with the sunrise, no one else is to blame. I'll leave you flowers but not my name. 'Cause lately, I've been drinkin', I need to stop my thinkin'. Tell me how you're feeling, I'll reflect the reason. When I drown, will I get very far? When you drown, they'll forget who you are.